Dear one,
It’s been awhile since I’ve sat down to write like this. I was compelled today because there are so many thoughts swirling through my mind and I have so much I want to share with you.
First off, how the fuck are you? I can only imagine how you’re feeling. It seems like every day is a whole new set of experiences, emotions and feelings.
I hope you have a warm home and full belly, at a minimum. Even more, I hope you have space to think, breathe, take in the sky (did you see Jupiter and Saturn last night?!?!), room to move, and the tools you need to connect with yourself.
I’ve found this year to be a massive test for me and my use of boundaries, which of course directly impact the Annie who needs boundaries. Ya see, I have a history of codependency. I know, right!?
In all my super powerness, I was surprised to realize that I was the one on the abusive side. I’ve known my tendency to end up in codependent relationships (platonic and romantic), but it took astrology and therapy for me to realize my role and how to remove myself. LOL, learning and unlearning is always fun.
I’m a little sister and have all the signs in my chart that make bonding core to who I am. Therefore, facing confrontation, erecting boundaries and being direct don’t come easy for me. It’s so much easier to contort into what others want or need to avoid conflict.
But dear one, I’m learning to let this shit go. I’m Wonder Woman in my own right and possess so many badass qualities, including the gift of bonding like family with pretty much anyone, which have made me really good at building a beautiful life. I love hard, lead with with love and build with love.
AND, in my humanness, I sometimes slip. Because of my codependency resistance, trying to assert my leadership in ways antithetical to my lover/not a fighter self, I’ve stung people (recently). I’ve had to remind myself that I’m healing old wounds and it’s not about me or the people I may harm or who harm me. Instead, I’m practicing radical accountability and moving toward love, over and over again.
So what does all this have to do with purpose? Well, I have come this far, survived, learned, fallen, gotten up, ached, celebrated and every other emotion and action in between for a motherfucking reason.
Just this goddamn year:
I’ve survived a pandemic, and am continuing to do so right now.
I’ve learned lots of things about boundaries and where I need to build them up.
I’ve witnessed the greatest racial justice uprising in modern history and navigated through the maze of involvement.
I’ve witnessed the loss of community members around me, many unnecessarily due to COVID-19.
I’ve witnessed Black folx across the country, as well as here in New Mexico, lose their precious lives to police violence.
I’ve witnessed the most vial holder of public office refuse to support the American people, his single most important responsibility.
I’ve been so fucking fed up and also felt so paralyzed by the next step. I’ve been heartbroken, shedding perhaps more tears than in 2014 when my grandpa, mom and grandma all died.
In relationship with all this heaviness, I’ve carried so much good and my ancestors carried so much more to help me arrive here to this moment. None of it has been by accident.
I believe strongly that I have come this far for a reason and have a responsibility to keep moving forward into the fullest expression of who 👏🏽 I 👏🏽 am 👏🏽.
Every single day is another chance to get that much closer. The same is true for you.
Matt once asked me and I continue to ask myself, “What’s the most Annie I can be right now?”
I pose the same question to you: What does the fullest expression of you look like today? Who is the most authentic you? Can you see you/them/her/him?
Who you see will evolve and grow over time. There’s always an even more authentic self ahead.
Okay, but how do we connect with this version of us when we are so bogged down with current us? Welp, the first step is noticing.
Acknowledge that you feel weighed down with all the things, and the best version of you wants to come out. It’s super important that you not judge or shit talk current you. You’re doing the best that you can.
On top of the work of shedding old us so new us can come hang, there’s a beautiful opportunity to connect with what we’re here to do. For me, this is the reason to keep shedding, the reason to keep doing the work.
For 37 years I just went with the flow, took opportunities that presented themselves, and life was arguably great up to that point. With one very distinct exception: I had never actively chosen what I was going to do to earn a living.
This meant that I never cultivated, with intentionality, my deepest most powerful talents that would serve me and the greater good.
It meant that, as someone who’s good at figuring shit out, I felt like I could do anything so I’d always be fine and could just keep going with the flow.
And I was until I couldn’t.
On that October evening, I found myself in a puddle of emotional goo ready to quit my life and runaway. If it weren’t for that sacred and painful fall, I wouldn’t be here now.
In all the difficulty and all the pain, I eventually found my way to my current and most authentic self.
Today I’m the most Annie I’ve ever been and it feels so good. Building a relationship with her has meant erecting boundaries with folx who don’t understand her or who have an unhealthy relationship with old Annie. Granted, old Annie is me too. I love her and have learned so much from her.
But today, she’s more of a backseat learning buddy than a shotgun passenger.
Dear one, I want you to know that your deepest, truest self and purpose are waiting for you. They won’t go away, don’t worry. They’ll wait patiently until you’re ready to come find them.
When you do, don’t let them go.
Big love,
Annie
p.s. If you are ready to connect with them and need a little hand, check out my coaching offerings and the Women of Color Culture Club. Perhaps one of these spaces is right for you.